This has probably been one of the hardest years of my life. Not because I had no money, or friends, or anything… But because I had been carrying an intense amount of shame, guilt, and sadness. Even loneliness and I had great friends around me all the time. I am writing this post because I know I am not the only one struggling with this and I don’t want to let others feel this way alone.
Truth is I am probably the hardest on myself. I would never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself. I put myself down, I could not forgive my decisions or lack there of, I could not let go of my anger towards myself nor my shame. Then I would feel guilty because I would also feel pity. But if anyone came to me carrying the bags I carry, I would probably be kind and completely understanding.
I would tell them that no matter what they did, thought or felt in the past, they are still worthy. I would tell them that no one in this world has the power to judge them. I would tell them that the people who are truly their friends would stand by their side to help them get through anything. I would tell them that it is okay to not be okay. That they don’t have to have it all together. Because no one does!
I also was hurt by things I saw. The kind of things that break families apart. But you know what… I choose to forgive. Not because I am a greater person, but because I know that person is also hurting. I understand the pain that comes from regret and choose to be graceful in the midst of my own sorrow. I know people act the way they do because other bad things have happened to them. Terrible things we may never know about.
The thing is everyone has baggage, sometimes it is too heavy. And it makes you make a bad choice out of desperation, depression, loneliness, anger, etc. You make decisions based on the level of maturity and pressure you have at the time so stop regretting the thing you did 3 years ago, 3 months ago, 3 weeks ago, 3 days ago. Now you know not to make the same mistake again and you will be more careful next time the situation presents.
Embrace the fact that the only one who would have the power to judge you is not judging you. He understands your past, your present and your future. He knows your personality, your struggles and your weaknesses. But he also knows your strengths and He knows this too will pass. He knows you will be a better person because of your struggles. He knows you will share a greater message of love and redemption with the world. He loves you with all your flaws. And honestly, if the only one who can judge you, loves you… it is time you start loving yourself, forgiving yourself, and moving on.
It’s my 23rd birthday! And I just had to share this because it has been a heavy load to carry. I am thankful of my past, my struggles, and all my mistakes because they have shaped my character. They have made me grow and realize the need for kindness and grace. Not just for others but for myself too. Nobody knows what the person next to them is feeling or going through so try to be kind to everyone around you.
Flowers today are curtesy of mom. Thankful for her and dad too.
PS- Thank you God for amazing people who show me grace unconditionally. Friends, thanks for being there for me thru my ups and downs!! I love you.